The Bitter Cup

I am a tender-hearted girl. I think I've always been this way. To see the pain, anguish, and trials that others have to experience weighs me down. It hurts to see them that way.  I want to take it all away.

After I graduated I worked for a few months as a family support worker. I could finally help others... especially children. I wanted to make a difference. A few weeks into this new job I found myself in a McDonald's with a 5 year old girl and her 4 day old baby sister. Their parents had not been home when we went for the visit and I was desperately trying to cheer up the little girl who was devastated that her parents were not there for the anticipated visit. I wondered how I ended up here holding someone else's new born baby... a fresh soul from heaven who had nobody but a stranger to love her. I wanted to wish it all away. These sweet little girls had a hard life ahead of them and all the odds were against them. In my sadness I felt an overwhelming feeling that these two little girls were precious to God, and He was fully aware of them and He would watch over them. I could not take away all the hardships and the trials that they would face, and already faced in the short time they had been here on earth, but my heart rejoiced that God had provided a way for all these things to be taken away, just as I had wished. I couldn't do it, but God sent His son Jesus Christ to take it all away.

Over the next couple years I was grateful for this great gift, but I still wondered why these horrible things had to happen in the first place. Yeah, of course we came to earth to be tested, to learn right from wrong, to experience joy and happiness, and to choose my path for myself.... but why did God let horrible things happen to the pure and the innocent, the righteous, and the sincere?

I'm sure I still have a few things to learn, but the last few months I have slowly been getting an answer to this question that I have prayed about, studied, pondered, and asked God about. How did He teach me? He sent a few trials- or at least allowed a few trials to come to me. Things that I didn't chose. Things that weren't a result of bad decisions on my part or sin. Trials that just come with life.

It was hard. I was trying so hard to be good and do good, but I couldn't seem to stay afloat. I wondered if God was punishing me. I wondered if He hated me. I couldn't understand it. I had to go back and study my life thoroughly and figure out what was going on.

But now I get it... and I don't ever want anyone to wish away the trials that I had to face because they are too valuable to me. I learned to much. I grew too much. I understood so much more. I can see now that I thought I could be perfect and do it all on my own. I loved my Savior Jesus Christ and that through Him I could be forgiven of my sins, but other than that, I didn't really need Him. I was a smart, strong, capable person and I could take on whatever came, all by myself.

... Until one day I realized I was like Peter walking on the water. He made it for a while on his own and his faith carried him, but then the storm picked up and the water got deep and he started to sink. I found myself sinking, and sinking fast- it was then when I realized the only thing that would save me was the Savior. I finally reached out for His hand, and He carried me. For a long time He carried me.

How lucky am I to have had the time and opportunity to take a walk with the Savior? I know that He loves me, and I love Him more than I ever have before. He healed me. He made me whole. He gave me exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it. Because of this I KNOW. I know He Lives and He Loves ME!

My trials keep me humble and remind me that I can't do this alone, I need him. Sometimes I even find myself missing the time of those trials, because I miss being so close to the Savior. We may not understand why a lot of bad things happen either to us or those we love, but we can all rejoice that although we can't take them away, the Savior can, and He has.