When I started my mission I thought I knew best. I thought that I had righteous desires and was a good person, and so I expected a certain type of mission. I was going to work harder than any missionary before and I was going to have a way with work and speak with a power that no one could deny that what I was saying was true. I would go from home-to-home fearlessly proclaiming what I knew to be true and no storm would be too great for me to continue. Because I was so obedient and willing, everything would be flawless for a year and a half.
Frustration came when my mission was nothing like I expected it to be. I had visa issues in the beginning delaying my Mission Training Experience and I found myself in the small town where my Mom was born and raised and I had no idea why I was there. I had to miss some very precious and special family events and I was a little distraught that God would make me wait a year and a half (when nothing of particular importance happened) to go on a mission, only to leave when I was needed most at home! I experience some unanticipated and extremely trying challenges that almost took me completely out of the game. I worked very hard day in and day out finding very little success until I worked myself to a point where I couldn't work at all. The good things in life seemed to be torn from me while at the same time I was bombarded with everything wrong. It all seemed so out of my control and I fought it. This was surely NOT what the Lord intended for a mission to be and I would continue to try and make it what I thought He wanted. I was supposed to be His greatest asset and yet nothing was going the way it was SUPPOSED to.
Here comes a life changing lesson...
God does not need me..... He needs me to need Him.
I had wasted so much time to be exactly what I thought He needed, while He was lovingly blessing me with exactly what I actually needed. All the things I thought were failures and were evidence of His discontent with me were in fact perfectly orchestrated blessings and lessons from on high. He always intended it to turn out the way it did. No matter how hard I worked or prayed for a good job after graduating from college it never came because He knew that if it did I would chose that over this amazing opportunity to share the Gospel. He knew I needed to start my mission in Raymond so that I would help to develop relationships with family draw my eternal family a little closer. He knew that I needed to miss important events at home so I could remember that I loved Him first. He gave me experiences that would drive my roots to sink deeper and I could learn to cling to Him in the storm.
Looking back I wish I had not fought His will and plan for me.
I have loved my time in the Mesa Arizona Mission! I feel at home here and a real sense of belonging. I have been changed by this place and the people I have met here and I never want it to end.
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| Erica's Baptism |
In my heart I wish that I could finish my mission here in Arizona. In my head it makes sense that I stay and I would love for that to happen... but deep in my spirit I feel that the Lord is calling me somewhere else for a deep purpose that I do not yet understand.
... It is time I stopped fighting it and go with a willing heart!
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| This picture may seem strange, but I think it accurately depicts Arizona for me. |
