That's What Makes Me Beautiful

Real talk: I have spent a lot of my life feeling like I was no where near the picture of beauty. I never never considered myself to be anything special. I was riddled with insecurities and tried to avoid them by hiding behind good grades in school, keeping super busy, and not being social so that I wouldn't have to come face to face with my significant lack of self-confidence.

At age 22 I decided to go on a mission. I received my mission call to the Utah Salt Lake City Temple Square Mission. What was initial excitement turned to pure horror less than an hour after opening my call. Nearly ever person I told about my mission call always had a comment about how they only send the Pretty Sisters to Temple Square (to this day that comment makes me feel super uncomfortable). I'm embarrassed to say that each time someone said this I felt like they were taking a long hard look at my outer shell, evaluating what they saw, and trying to figure out why I of all people got called to Temple Square (which is definitely not what you should be concerned about going on a mission). I weirdly felt like I had something to prove.

Proverbs 31 is my mantra and my sister loving made me this print for my birthday. I loved what it said, but it really took this experience for me to start to understand what it was saying.

30 Favour is deceitful, and ^abeauty is vain: but a woman that ^bfeareth the Lord, she shall be praised.

I started praying really hard that I could become this woman. I prayed hard that my inner beauty would shine through my outer shell and that is what people would see. I could change the stuff on the inside. I could improve and become a God-fearing woman. As I started to pray for these things I started to live more true to the guidance in Proverbs 3. It didn't happen immediately but over time I started to believe that I was beautiful, both inside and out because I started seeing myself the way God saw me. Suddenly it was okay that I had imperfections and maybe a long way to go. My confidence started to grow because I didn't have to prove anything to anyone else.  The only person that I am worried about pleasing these days is God because that's what makes me beautiful.

Love is the Key to Suffering

“If vulnerability and pain are the price of love, then joy is it's reward.” 

― Fiona Givens, The God Who Weeps

I honestly think that the hardest thing to do is to love. Not the act of loving itself... oh no, that is one of my very favourite things. What is terrible is that loving comes at a cost. The cost is that you must open the door to pain and suffering.

In the Book of Mormon, Jacob 5 tells a parable of the olive trees. This parable goes on for pages and pages, mostly repeating the same process the Lord of the vineyard takes trying to save each and every tree. Even when past attempts fail he continues to try new ways and different methods, however, some of the olive trees are still lost and with each loss or challenge the Lord says that it grieveth him to lose the tree. But what he says next is heartbreaking,

 41 And it came to pass that the Lord of the vineyard wept, and said unto the servant: ^aWhat could I have done more for my vineyard?

(Jacob 5:41)

This past year my title of Sister has returned as I have had the blessing of teaching a class of 17-18 year olds in an early morning seminary class. I know that I am completely inadequate to teach this class. I am not always organized, I am young and lack a lot of life experience. I am not always eloquent in speaking and am not sure how to get the heart of the message into the hearts of the students. Sometimes I have no idea how to handle situations or how to help each child. But I do know that this responsibility was given to me from my Heavenly Father and that He can make up all that I lack. I also know that although there are many things I can't do, I can love them unconditionally, and that is something I can be very good at. 

Regardless of how hard I try or how much love I give, there are still some students who stop coming. There are still those who dislike seminary all together. There are still days that I feel like I have not fulfilled my responsibilities as a teacher. To spell it out sometimes it is really heartbreaking to care.

Sometimes I feel that I give and I give and I try my hardest, but at the end of the day I go home, weep and wonder, "What could I have done more for my vineyard?"

The easiest solution to this problem is simple. Stop Loving. Stop loving the students, stop loving teaching, stop loving all the things I am learning, and quite simply, Stop Loving the Lord. (Yikes, that sounds terrible even as I type it, but it is because I love the Lord so much that I have to do all the other things.) Love is really what causes me to feel the pain, so by eliminating love, in theory I could eliminate the pain.... But it is also love that opens the door to finding joy I couldn't even imagine and I can't bear to eliminate that.

Teaching seminary this year has been an answer to my prayers. I have felt a greater need to live worthy of the spirit so that I can be an example to my students and teach with the spirit. It has given my life greater purpose and something to look forward to each day. There were some promptings I had from the spirit that I only had courage to follow because I would want my students to do the same. It has given me the tiniest glimpse into how God must feel about his children (I sure do love my seminary Kids). Most of all I have learned that loving is always worth the pain because in tandem with the pain, I have experienced the greatest JOY! Joy that I am sure I would not have felt any other way. Also, through my suffering I have drawn even closer to the Savior, which is always a blessing. I have learned and grown and been able to make changes that (hopefully) will make me better.

The last thing I have to say is very important. Love opens the door to suffering, but the love of the Lord closes it. Because our Savior loves us he suffered beyond all measure. But it is because of this very same sacrifice that all the pain we feel because we love can be healed and taken away and all we are left with is the reward of Joy and copious amounts of love in our hearts!

Is loving hard? Very. But is it worth it? Always.

Call me Sister

This blog is about to take a turn to my next calling as sister, but before then I wanted to share this overview from my experience as a Sister Missionary!