“If vulnerability and pain are the price of love, then joy is it's reward.”
I honestly think that the hardest thing to do is to love. Not the act of loving itself... oh no, that is one of my very favourite things. What is terrible is that loving comes at a cost. The cost is that you must open the door to pain and suffering.
In the Book of Mormon, Jacob 5 tells a parable of the olive trees. This parable goes on for pages and pages, mostly repeating the same process the Lord of the vineyard takes trying to save each and every tree. Even when past attempts fail he continues to try new ways and different methods, however, some of the olive trees are still lost and with each loss or challenge the Lord says that it grieveth him to lose the tree. But what he says next is heartbreaking,
41 And it came to pass that the Lord of the vineyard wept, and said unto the servant: aWhat could I have done more for my vineyard?
This past year my title of Sister has returned as I have had the blessing of teaching a class of 17-18 year olds in an early morning seminary class. I know that I am completely inadequate to teach this class. I am not always organized, I am young and lack a lot of life experience. I am not always eloquent in speaking and am not sure how to get the heart of the message into the hearts of the students. Sometimes I have no idea how to handle situations or how to help each child. But I do know that this responsibility was given to me from my Heavenly Father and that He can make up all that I lack. I also know that although there are many things I can't do, I can love them unconditionally, and that is something I can be very good at.
Regardless of how hard I try or how much love I give, there are still some students who stop coming. There are still those who dislike seminary all together. There are still days that I feel like I have not fulfilled my responsibilities as a teacher. To spell it out sometimes it is really heartbreaking to care.
Sometimes I feel that I give and I give and I try my hardest, but at the end of the day I go home, weep and wonder, "What could I have done more for my vineyard?"
The easiest solution to this problem is simple. Stop Loving. Stop loving the students, stop loving teaching, stop loving all the things I am learning, and quite simply, Stop Loving the Lord. (Yikes, that sounds terrible even as I type it, but it is because I love the Lord so much that I have to do all the other things.) Love is really what causes me to feel the pain, so by eliminating love, in theory I could eliminate the pain.... But it is also love that opens the door to finding joy I couldn't even imagine and I can't bear to eliminate that.
Teaching seminary this year has been an answer to my prayers. I have felt a greater need to live worthy of the spirit so that I can be an example to my students and teach with the spirit. It has given my life greater purpose and something to look forward to each day. There were some promptings I had from the spirit that I only had courage to follow because I would want my students to do the same. It has given me the tiniest glimpse into how God must feel about his children (I sure do love my seminary Kids). Most of all I have learned that loving is always worth the pain because in tandem with the pain, I have experienced the greatest JOY! Joy that I am sure I would not have felt any other way. Also, through my suffering I have drawn even closer to the Savior, which is always a blessing. I have learned and grown and been able to make changes that (hopefully) will make me better.
The last thing I have to say is very important. Love opens the door to suffering, but the love of the Lord closes it. Because our Savior loves us he suffered beyond all measure. But it is because of this very same sacrifice that all the pain we feel because we love can be healed and taken away and all we are left with is the reward of Joy and copious amounts of love in our hearts!
Is loving hard? Very. But is it worth it? Always.
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