I have hit a wall.
It seems there are no words to accurately express the message I so desperately want the world to hear. I think my desperation may be making me harsh and intense and abrupt in a way that I have not intended.
The other day I found myself writing a blog post. I wanted it to be bold and for people to see how much all of this matters to me... isn't the opposition bold too?... but in the end it seemed to come across as proud and in-your-face and 100% not what I intended it to be.
The truth is I want to write something that means something to someone. Something of impact. Something worth reading. Not because I think my words are of any importance. No, my thoughts and opinions are nothing to talk about. It is the message I have found and the way that it has changed me that I am trying to get across, and yet I fear good intentions have turned to an awful desperation, and for that I apologize.
The picture above was taken on a day amidst all of the craziness of life when I let myself let go of my apprehension and reason and I trusted the unseen power of the wind to hold me up.
This was a moment of pure joy.
In the last 24 hours I have realized that I have been trying to build up my self importance, rather than letting go or my apprehension and reason and trusting the will and the unseen power of the Lord. This is where my pure joy lies -in letting go and letting him take over. Here goes...
I am sure there are many people who have a story, or have heard a story about two missionaries standing on their doorstep. At times the story ends with a slamming door, other times with a polite decline, and sometimes the door remains closed for whatever reason.
Have you ever thought about the missionary standing on the other side of the door?
I can't speak for all missionaries, but I will do my best to articulate myself.
I get nervous every time I knock on a door, never knowing who I might find or how I will be received. I don't mean to be a hassle or an annoyance. Sometimes I grow slightly embarrassed knowing that I have knocked on a door several times before and the homeowner avoided us, and yet here I am again as if I didn't catch the hint. But for some reason I just can't let it go...
Maybe it was because I spent a year and a half paying off student loans and saving money so I could be in a financial situation where I could afford to drop everything for 18 months. Maybe it is because I gave up an educational dream to fulfill another.A few months back I was working hard as a missionary while the rest of my family was in Hawaii to see my Sister marry her wonderful husband. You could not pay me enough to miss my Sister's wedding. My heart sank as I thought about how this would be an event I could never get back.
When the door opens sometimes I feel as awkward and uncomfortable as I look. Just a young girl who has little life experience and little expertise. I am not pretending to be someone with all the answers. There is still so much that I don't understand. By no means am I "a saint". I have so many weaknesses sometimes it makes me sick. The missionary on the other side of your door is probably homesick, nervous, tired, imperfect, uncomfortable, and has sacrificed many things she loved to be there.
None of these are good enough reasons for me NOT to be there.
Standing on this doorstep was more than a passing thought. It was more than a mere urge. No, there was much more involved than that.
The Savior Jesus Christ gave His life for all men. Joseph Smith and countless others gave their lives to help this message to go forth... who am I to think that my life is worth more than that? I sincerely know how much this Gospel can bless lives. I know how it can fill an empty void. I know how it can provide stability and support in an unstable world. I know that God loves all his children and in an effort to become more like Christ, I want to know what it is like to completely give a part of my life for someone else.
I guess the reason that I keep coming back is out of love. My love for God and His son Jesus Christ, their love for me, and our love for the person on the other side of the door.
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